Charlie Sheen Is Watching You

the billboard between Sunrise and Broward of Charlie Sheen

by Fat Hand

Now that the Oscars are over, there’s apparently only two things going on in the world these days that are worth reporting: revolution in Libya and revelations about Charlie Sheen. So in the interest of total media saturation, we add to one of the aforementioned topics: Charlie Sheen of course.

Hysterically, there is an impossible-to-miss billboard (located on 95 between Broward and Sunrise) of Charlie Sheen gazing lustily over Ft. Lauderdale. It’s as if he knows Spring Break 2k11 is upon us.

Hopefully billboard-Charlie is here to help the FTL. We all know that Charlie spends his entire day winning. And that he blinked and cured his mind of all his addictions. I appeal to the great Adonis Assassin Warlock to help our city. We want want to win in our underwear before our first cup of coffee too! Please billboard-Charlie, blink and erase the corruption in our city and county governments with your mind. Let us borrow your brain for like, 5 seconds, to make our city’s budget woes melt away like the face of a person that just snorted some natural Charlie Sheen. We’re tired of pretending we’re not special too, and we want what’s coming to us: tons.

We are lucky to have a bitchin’ tiger-blooded rockstar from Mars watching over us. And whoever paid for that billboard, please don’t take it down.

Laser Wolf Open For Business

Laser Wolf opens in Ft Lauderdale

by Fat Hand

The long anticipated opening of the new Ft. Lauderdale joint Laser Wolf occurred this past Friday, and the FTLC is happy to report our fair city has a cool new triangular-shaped alternative to check out. Laser Wolf is sure to become a top hangout for Broward artists, musicians, and other people making this city cool (like bloggers). Co-owners/brothers Chris and Jordan Bellus’ new tavern features a beautiful hand-constructed bar, 6 taps pouring craft beers, with another dozen or so craft brews available in bottles or cans, a good list of imports and another 5 or 6 quality domestics. Do not plan on drinking watered down American macro-brews at Laser Wolf, as the selection was hand picked to satisfy even your most annoying beer snob friend. The beer list will be changed periodically, and prices range from 3 to 6 bucks with the majority being either 4 or 5. Wine and sake are also available.

The decor features local artwork, murals by professional skateboarder/artist Kris Markovich and local artist Erick Arenas (one of the murals is in the bathroom so be sure to drink enough beer so that you can’t forget to check it out), a set of antique doors, and portraits of Ronald Reagan as far as the eye can see. Guess which part of the foregoing list is untrue.

An outdoor patio in the back has several tables and is adjacent to a grassy courtyard around which several business are located. All of the neighboring businesses are open daytime only, so there is pretty much unlimited outdoor space. It will be interesting to see how all that space is utilized in the future.

The music situation has the bar controlling the tunes played over its system, which is a good thing, because when a cool bar has a jukebox with a poor selection, patrons are doomed to listening to the same Top 40 songs all the freaking time (bars, you know who you are). This correspondent did not hear a single Black Eyed Peas tune all of Friday evening. Live bands and DJs will also be featured from time to time.

For Ft. Lauderdalians seeking a laid-back bar where one can socialize with cool people, listen to great tunes, imbibe some of our country’s finest beers, and, most importantly, just hang out and have a good time, Laser Wolf delivers.

Laser Wolf is located at 901 Progresso Drive, Suite 101, Ft Lauderdale, FL 33304

Creolina’s returns to downtown Fort Lauderdale

by Fat Hand

Porterhouse hints at Creolina's return to Ft Lauderdale

Great news for downtown Ft. Lauderdale folks that like to eat: our sources tell usthat Creolina’s is moving back to Himmarshee Village! The soon-to-be reopened restaurant reportedly will be taking over Porterhouse’s old digs at the corner of Himmarshee and, uh, the train tracks (I really don’t know the name of that alley…Voodoo Junction? Rodman Road?).

Creolina’s was a long-time downtown favorite, known for its insanely good cajun inspired grub and was located just a door or two down from its supposed new location, in what is now part of that completely unnecessary Club 13 / El Carnivale duo of bars adjacent to Latino Fire.  This FTL Collective beat-writer shed more than one tear when the original incarnation closed in 2008, after which it reopened in Davie with a slightly different format.

As of Sunday, December 5 there was no physical evidence that Creolina’s has taken over the spot, as the old Porterhouse menu remains posted outside. Porterhouse’s Facebook page says “Watch for the “GRAND OPENING” of a whole new food and entertainment experience on 2nd in downtown Fort Lauderdale!” and “Bourbon on 2nd, anyone? Stay tuned for big news!”  Please Facebook you god-of-the-internet, let our sources be sober and accurate with the news that a new Creolina’s is on the horizon.

Ft. Lauderdale’s fine Las Olas grass will be smoking Friday evening, with two very different events

by Fat HandMiami Dolphin Day at Huizenga Plaza

Pep Rally in Mr. H’s Plaza

First, at 4:30 Friday afternoon is the “Orange Offensive” Dolphins Pep Rally at Huizenga Plaza located at Las Olas and Andrews Ave.  Remember how much fun high school pep rallies were? No, you don’t? Well now imagine if instead of high school kids, it’s a bunch of adults.  Yeah, that sounds good to me too.  Actually, there is something that we can all cheer about: last year’s pep rally featured a Jimmy Buffet-themed band…not Buffet himself mind you, just Buffet-themed. But the Miami Dolphins’ Jimmy Buffet era is behind us like the chicken pox…supposedly that will never happen again.  So come out to Huizenga Plaza sporting your most offensive orange clothing and support the Fins before their home opener against that green team Darrelle Revis used to play for.

Las Vegas! In Miami! In Downtown Ft. Lauderdale at Riverside Hotel’s huge mistake!

Conveniently starting 1/2 hour after the end of the Offensive Orange Pep Rally in a convenient location just three blocks east on Las Olas Boulevard, an outdoor cocktail party!  Now, the Riverside Hotel is a building. I am a person. But I really understand the Riverside Hotel. Not their fancy rooms or why they continue to put those ugly gold lions out front, but I understand starting a huge project, sticking with the project just long enough to cause real damage, and then getting tired of the project and completely ignoring it, trying to convince myself there never really was a project.  Riverside Hotel decided to expand, evicted several of Las Olas’ more successful businesses, tore down a block of buildings, and then got tired of the whole thing.  Years later, we now have…kind of a park!  And tonight, that kind-of-a-park is hosting something called “Gravitate”, described as “Las Vegas Nightlife with South Beach Style”, and then in much smaller letters “on the lawn at Riverside Hotel.”  The New Times has a blatently self-promotional slideshow of photos from a previous Gravitate event.  Take a look at the pics and if it looks fun, be there tonight, and be sure to get your VIP table and bottle specials.  I looked at the pictures, and I plan to attend anyway.

Lawn Party on Las Olas

Five Reasons Why FTLC is Better than New Times Blogs

by Fat HandMig's photoshopping skills

FTLC loves the New Times blogs. FLTC reads them all the time. Some FTLC writers read almost every word (even the food blog). New Times blogs do better indepth reporting than the Sun-Sentinel, dominate coverage of the local music scene, yet still find space for non-traditional stories, and even the far-out tales of Evan Rowe. And all of that is great. But the New Times is not perfect, so below is the list of reasons why the New Times blogs collectively are the second best blog in Ft. Lauderdale.

5. FTLC Does Not Do As Many ‘Five Reasons Why’ Lists

Americans love top-five lists. The New Times blogs love them most of all, as can be seen here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Yes, each of the foregoing links is an inspiration for this post, and yes, it is fun to make this list. But the FTLC promises it will never produce as many top five lists as the New Times blogs. If we tried, the sheer volume of content would overpower our computer server.

4. FTLC is Due to Break a Big Story

New Times blogs have broken countless important local stories, consistently producing the most ground-breaking, Broward-shaking journalism in our fair city. All-world reporter Bob Norman and his Pulitzer-worthy work (which recently includes the notable Scott Rothstein saga, as well as the criminal fleecing of taxpayers by the corrupt Broward County School Board accepting bribes from developers in exchange for a cool $350 million of local tax revenue to build empty classrooms), is complemented by The Juice, which relentlessly followed Jeff Greene’s disturbing Senate campaign until finally going national with a first-person account of partying on Greene’s yacht. (Also, a blog at the New Times’ sister paper, the Miami New Times, broke the feel-good story of 2010: George Rekers’ rent-boy vacation). But anybody paying minimal attention in Bro Co knows there is plenty of corruption to go around. The FTLC has yet to break a story larger than a bunch of nerds hiding notes around our city, so we are due. The law of averages suggests the next big story will be broken by the FTLC. Does Mayor Seiler own a sweatshop in South America? Will Lebron have a rent-boy of his own? Will former School Board member Beverly Gallagher bust out of prison and go on a non-violent bribe solicitation spree? Who could know such things? Watch this space to find out.

3. FTLC Appreciates Spirit Airlines

Tom Francis is a fantastic local reporter and his Juice, as mentioned above, is a fine blog. But I will say this about Tom Francis…he does not like Miramar-based Spirit Airlines AT ALL. He criticizes everything from their charging for services one might expect to be free, to Spirit’s gimmicky, sexually-charged advertising campaigns. But the FTLC, with its many graduate degrees in economics, thinks it is brilliant to strip the hidden costs out of the price of an airline ticket and allow people to pay only for the services they use. You do not want a beverage? Then why should you subsidize that weird lady’s bloody mary mix? Not checking a bag? Then no need to pay for that jerk sitting next to you to check his satchel of dildos and Hawaiian shirts. These policies help Spirit offer cheap tickets from Ft. Lauderdale to destinations all over the United States, the Caribbean, and South and Central America. The FTLC appreciates the ability to fly direct to cities like Medellin, Columbia at a very reasonable price…even if it is just for a quick run, I mean trip.

2. FTLC is Not a Slave to its Corporate Ownership.

It might surprise regular readers of this site, but FTLC is member-owned, member-managed. Although the quality of writing and expensive-looking website might suggest a deep-pocketed patron behind the scenes, the FTLC is beholden to no rich master. But the New Times, the local “alternative” rag, is owned by Village Voice Media, owner of more than a dozen such papers around the country. Village Voice Media is kind of an “alternative media conglomerate”, or, more accurately, just a “media conglomerate”. Check out the websites of other Village Voice owned newspapers around the country (here, here, and here, among others). See what I mean? At the FTLC you are sure to get one of a kind, independent stories and analysis. We are slaves only to the truth.

1. FTLC Does Virtually Nothing to Support the Pain Pill Industry Destroying Portions of our Nation.

Ok, so this last one is not a direct criticism of New Times blogs (if only the New Times blogs were obsessed with the top four reasons something happens, I would be done already!); it is a comment on the hard-copy version of the New Times distributed free from those horrendous green boxes of blight.

I am not claiming the FTLC does much to help places like rural Kentucky, but we do virtually nothing to destroy such locations either. Here are the facts: Many argue that Broward County and the State of Florida do a less-than-optimal job of regulating pain clinics. Such policies (or complete lack thereof) have led to a flourishing of pain clinics in Bro Co. People drive down from places such as rural Kentucky and go from pain clinic to pain clinic stocking up on extremely powerful pills. Those people drive home with a trunk-load of pills. Many places such as rural Kentucky have serious problems with pain pills and subsequently kids die.

The New Times did not create the policies that have allowed this (and in fact have done a good job documenting the problem), and certaintly did not cause people to become addicted to pain pills. But if I wanted to go clinic-hopping all I would need to do is grab a hard copy of the New Times and peruse the advertisements for my roadmap to carnage. No, here at the FTLC we do not support the pain pill industry and do not accept advertising dollars from these still-tolerated death dealers. But if any prostitutes reading this column want to advertise on this blog, let us know…the New Times isn’t the only game in town.