by Mig
Unfortunately, I did not come up with the title of this post all by myself; the Red, White, & Boom is the moniker of just one of the thousands of ridiculously named explosives sold at TNT Fireworks (formerly known as Neptunes Fireworks) located off of East Dania Beach Boulevard, just east of the convenience store made famous in a previous post. In fact, I was so enamored by the names of the fireworks, that I’m convinced that it’s possible to write an entire article just using firework name references. Check this out:
Just briefly checking out the Arsenal of child-friendly missiles and bombs sold at TNT Fireworks will give you Instant Gratification and make you Salute To America (still the world’s Super Power) like a Proud American. If you purchase enough Heavy Hitters (as far as I know, there’s no Legal Limit), you’ll surely be throwing Fort Lauderdale’s biggest TNT Block Party, putting your neighbors in a state of Delirium. In times like these, it’s Just Awesome that we have a firework store that will help us forget all about our local government’s Corruption and allow us to relax in our Tropical Delight that we call home.
(See, I told you I could write the whole article using only firework references – Mission Accomplished. Man, I was En Fuego, LOL)
Joking aside, I am not only writing this article in the spirit of our country’s independence day; I want to warn you. If you plan on buying fireworks at TNT, go right now! According to multiple sources, this store becomes a mad house as July 4th creeps closer. When I went late on Wednesday night (the store is open 24 hours until the holiday is over), there were hardly any shoppers in the store. However, the supercenter was prepared for the fast approaching riot of South Floridians lusting for gun powder. Let me describe the process of entering the store in a step-by-step process:
Step 1: If you can find parking (that’s a big IF), you have to enter the store on the side of the building. Don’t worry if you can’t find parking. The store hires police officers around this time of year to manage traffic.
Step 2: Get in line. Don’t get intimidated by the length of the winding line. I’m sure it will go quick (in your dreams).
Step 3: Take out your driver’s license because they will need to make a photocopy at the first checkpoint — that’s right, there are checkpoints. They will hand you a blank form with some writing on it — stuff like “I will not start bottle rocket wars with my little nephew”, “I will not set off smoke bombs in my grandma’s condominium elevator”, etc).
Step 4: Sign the form at the white table at the end of the line, but don’t forget to return the pen and clipboard. The security guard looks irritated.
Step 5: Enter the doors and wait in a second line. This line notarizes your ID and provides you with a buyer’s card that allows you to buy the most dangerous, legal explosives. Lucky for you, this card will let you bypass some of these stages the next time you go to TNT.
All in all, the entire entry process reminded me of entering Cambodia last summer in the height of swine flu season. Seriously, I think there’s more security currently at TNT Fireworks than at FLL. As awful as all that sounds, there’s no question that this is the best fireworks bodega in town. Go ahead and shop at the temporary tents in the Publix parking lots if you want to be the laughing stock of your neighborhood. I love my country, that’s why I’ll be shopping at the store that will let me buy the most dangerous fireworks that can literally blow my hand off.
Who am I kidding (sigh)? On this amateur blogger salary that I’m making ($0 a year), I could only afford some Crazy Ground Hogs, Chicken Coop, and Small Bees. Maybe next year, I’ll be able to buy something that will set off the car alarm on my neighbor’s obnoxious Mazda Miata.
Don’t forget to check out Ft Lauderdale’s firework show this Sunday on the beach. Heres the link with all the info.
Happy 4th of July from everyone at the FTLC!
