Attention all Fort Liquordale barroom frequenters! Have you ever wondered where the best place downtown to take a leak is? Behold, I have the answers to your quandary.

WORST places to use the bathroom

  • FAT CATS – Don’t get me wrong, I heart this bar. Where else will you find a “wheel of vomit” that brings good fortune to all who spin? But man, it sure sucks to pee here. If you need to eliminate waste in other ways besides urination, DO NOT DO IT HERE! However, here’s what you do if you have no choice but to relieve yourself at this locale. First, take a small pile of cocktail napkins from the bar with you (there is likely to be a paucity of toilet paper). When you enter the bathroom you will notice two stalls and a sink which is mysteriously wrapped in plastic wrap. Why is the sink covered with cellophane? I do not know, but that is a good question. The toilet’s flush handle won’t work, so do not even touch it! You will need to push the button located on top of the ball cock inside the toilet tank. You will find what I am talking about by identifying a small black circle with a colored dot in the middle. After you empty your bladder, take a few of the cocktail napkins you brought with you and gingerly push the ball cock button. Voila! Your elimination is safely flushed. Since you cannot wash your hands, pour some of your vodka drink over your palms and dry them on your jeans. Try not to touch anything as you exit.
  • PORTERHOUSE – Whether there are 100 people or 2 people at this bar, at least one of the toilets will be clogged. It always smells like poo in these bathrooms because at least one toilet is consistently clogged with poo. One of my biggest pet peeves about our downtown bathrooms is the mysterious sink guard lady (SGL). When did our culture decide that it is acceptable to charge people to do something nature requires? At Porterhouse, the designated sitting place for the SGL is directly in front of the last bathroom stall. You literally have to climb over her to get to the back toilet. If you open the door too swiftly during your exit, you may cause the poor woman a head injury, so be careful. The SGL is probably going to eventually have a petit mal seizure from the incessant blinking lights anyway – you don’t want to add to her demise.
  • AMERICA’S BACKYARD (ABY) – Let’s stop right here. Why are so many of you going to this place? True, Enrique Iglesias is a talented singer and the Mexican buffet ABY provides is incredibly delicious (sarcasm) – but you will wait for 20 minutes to use the toilet in a line amongst the most annoying people that reside in our city. There is an SGL here too; everything about this place is deeply unpleasant. I am getting angry just writing about it so I will move on.
  • COYOTE UGLY – As you enter the women’s bathroom, a large floor length mirror welcomes you as if you just entered a creepy carnival house. The last time I used this restroom, there were only 5 or 6 people in the entire establishment. Nonetheless, all three garbage bins were packed to the gills. Only five of the thirteen light bulbs were functional and there was a mysterious hole in the wall of my toilet stall. I imagined a scenario of some chick getting really pissed off when one of the bartenders hit on her boyfriend. Perhaps the hole in the wall is the manifestation of a jealous rage in which an unstable young lady punched the wall with her bare hands. I chuckled to myself as I played out the scene in my head whilst crouched over the toilet. Before me was a mysterious little shelf with a perfectly round hole drilled into it. Underneath the hole was a garbage can (completely full of course). What is the purpose of this hole? Are they encouraging us to slam dunk our tampons into the bin?
  • T-MEX CANTINA – I have never used the toilet here without it being clogged with an inordinate amount of toilet paper. In fact, I think the toilet has been clogged since 2007, yikes. The other interesting thing is that the sink is constantly running water. It is virtually impossible to turn off the water faucet. I suppose this fact can be considered a plus since you don’t need to touch anything to wash your hands.

Stay tuned for Part 2 to discover the best places downtown to use the facilities.

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